The Chaos and the Slow Down

As you can tell, I haven't been very good at blogging weekly. 

In fact, I haven't really kept up with any of my goals for this month at all -- learning to juggle a full working day with motherhood and life at home has taken up all of my time this month. It's definitely been an adjustment, and not just for me. It's been an adjustment for my husband, who is learning to juggle the demands of home along side his job, since I cannot do it all on my own anymore. It's been an adjustment for the kids, especially my 5yo, who doesn't quite understand that we are all getting home in the evening and not the early afternoon, or why she has to give up gymnastics for a little while until things settle down.

That last one has me filled with SO much mom guilt, btw. She loves gymnastics. I love being able to give that to her -- I certainly did not have any extra curricular activities when I was that young. But unfortunately, her class slot is Wednesday night, and it's almost impossible to pick her up on time, get her to gymnastics and be able to pick up my youngest before his daycare closes. And even though it's only a temporary change, I still feel like such a terrible mom for having to pull her from gymnastics because of something that has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me.

If she gets the razor scooter she's been dying to own since August sometime in the next couple of weeks, I may or may not be trying to buy her love and apologize for no gymnastics til January.

 am i ruining my family by choosing to go back to work? i know we'll figure it out and that it will be ok in the end, but right now ? all the guilt.

am i ruining my family by choosing to go back to work? i know we'll figure it out and that it will be ok in the end, but right now ? all the guilt.

I'm reminded of the tower card in tarot, where everything is crumbling down. Yes, you can rebuild, but while the tower is actively falling? Chaos.

That's where I'm at right now. Only, I'm not the tower in this scenario. In this scenario my family (and specifically my kids) are the tower and me working is the lightening striking everything down and bringing that big, unexpected and chaotic change. 

I know eventually the dust will settle and will figure out how to juggle everything. I'll be off my probationary hire period and I'll be able to change my availability to accommodate her gymnastics and whatever else she wants to do (dance, karate, Girl Scouts, etc). My son will switch to a daycare closer to home once a spot opens up (which should be very soon, so fingers crossed). My husband will have some down time, too. 

So while logically, I know that it's important for me to contribute financially by working and that eventually we'll figure out this whole two parents working thing we're doing, emotionally I'm not quite there yet and I'm filled with guilt and frustration at what my going back to work (outside the home) is currently doing to my family.

I know it's for the best, but I hate having to ask my daughter to give things up just because mommy is working. 

Oh yea. She's definitely getting that razor scooter with my next paycheck.

Anyway. It's been a bit chaotic, and it's only going to get even more so as we move into November and December, and not just because of the holidays. November is my husband's busiest month at work due to all the USMC birthday balls. November also brings NaNoWrimo, which I will foolishly attempt this year as I manage Thanksgiving and work the dreaded Black Friday. 

We also get my husband's birthday a few days after Thanksgiving and then we move into December which brings my daughter's birthday (she wants a rainbow theme this year) about a week and a half before Christmas, New Years and my own birthday (though I never do anything for my birthday, I'm too wiped out and every year I just want to relax). 

Because of all this, I've created something called the November Slow Down. It's something I do every year, where I essentially give myself permission to ignore my blog, creative projects, tarot readings and all the extra things I enjoy doing. Guilt free ignoring. If I do manage some free time, it goes towards NaNo, but I also go into NaNo not expecting to win. 

Family comes first. Work is necessary so it's made a priority, too. Everything else can and must wait until 2018 if I'm to stay sane for the next eight weeks. 

I'll try to post an update here and there, but I make zero promises on anything. The newsletter will still go out once a month and I have some November Slow Down posts scheduled for my Patreon (creativity oracle reading, some tarot-related writing prompts). 

But this site? Will probably be the first thing to be ignored. Tarot readings are on hold -- in fact, I only have room for FIVE readings between now and the end of December, so if you would like one and don't want to wait until 2018, now is the time to book