Eclipse Season and the burden of all the things.

Eclipse season hit me hard, y'all. 

I've been pretty low the past several days. I must have started a blog post at least half a dozen times, only to delete them. When writing didn't work, I tried turning to painting, but I could never quite bring myself to sit down in my studio. 

What little energy I did manage to obtain was spent counting, itemizing and bagging the remainder of my LuLaRoe inventory. Because yes, I still have it sitting in my home -- there are more hurdles to jump before this journey is truly 100% behind me. More on that here

The rest of my time was largely spent in bed, watching things on Netflix or Hulu. I mainlined the latest season of Hawaii Five-0 on Netflix and also started Elementary with the husband via Hulu. 

I put my phone on silent and turned off messenger applications. I checked Twitter randomly, but rarely posted. 

And while this is hardly the first time I've had a low period, I kind of can't help but feel that being mired in eclipse season was the thing that pushed over the edge this time. 

Too much burden and too much stress left me with the inability to create. 

Too much burden and too much stress left me with the inability to create. 

It just felt like I had the weight of everything on my shoulders and no one around to help with the burden. All the BS with trying to end my LLR business. A messy house. The inability to create. The needing a job, but being unable to work until my youngest is in daycare full time -- which probably won't happen til late September. 

And a bunch of other little, but still heavy, things weighing on my mind and spirit. 

As we come out of eclipse season, I'm starting to let some of the weight go. Just dropping it right where it is. It's not going anywhere and most of it I can't control -- like my job search that can't begin until my son has a full-time spot...out of my control. 

I often find that that the 2-3 days after a low period are often harder than the low period itself. Starting that climb out of the darkness is hard. Once you get going it gets easier, but the actual starting? Yea. That, for me, is always the hardest. 

So how do you start to pull yourself out of those low, dark periods? 

It varies, but it dawned on me a couple of days ago as I was walking back from taking my daughter to the bus stop that I really enjoyed the cool, early morning air. My neighborhood is pretty damn quiet, so when I got home, I opened all the windows, turned on the ceiling fans and just let the cool, fresh air circulate. 

It was invigorating and cleansing. 

I did it the next day and the next. 

What did I do with all the fresh air circulating my house? 

Absolutely nothing. 

I drank my coffee. Ate breakfast. Checked Twitter. Played on my Nintendo 3DS (I have rediscovered Animal Crossing and am loving it all over again). Watched silly videos on the computer. Googled random things. Listened to my current audiobook (The Bone Witch by Rin Chupeco -- SO good, btw). 

I literally just sat at my desk until I felt a little better. The first time it took it a few hours. The next, maybe an hour. After that, just enough to drink my coffee and maybe eat some breakfast.

I don't know if it's just the end of eclipse season, the natural end to a low period, the fresh air or a combination of the three, but I'm slowly coming back to myself. I no longer feel quite like the 10 of Wands or the 10 of Swords. 

I think, perhaps, I feel more like the Ace of Pentacles. Still up the clouds, but coming down to myself. Getting ready to be grounded, rooted in the things I need to do moving forward. 

The fresh air thing is something I will continue to do for as long as I can. It's a luxury to start the day so leisurely (even if it starts after spending a couple of hectic hours scrambling to get my daughter ready for school and to the bus stop on time), and I think I need to allow myself to indulge in more daily self-care rituals instead of just one big ritual every Sunday — I do a bubble bath, drink some wine and a mud mask every week. 

I feel as though things are shifting around me and I’m only just starting to see where the pieces are going to fit. LuLaRoe continues to be a headache — one I will hopefully put an end to by the end of this week — but that piece, I know, will eventually be completely gone. I’m also learning to let go of issues I have with my family back home in Texas. Things that have ate at me for years, I am learning to ignore and release.

Through my book, White Puppy: Latina Como Yo, I am learning about myself by exploring my past and present as a Hispanic woman. I’m releasing old pains and embracing myself as I am and accepting my identity as a Latina, despite it not being the way I’ve been taught a Latina should be. 

I’m expressing my joys through painting and through a sci-fi YA novel in the works (more on that on Patreon). I’m even going to take the plunge and start selling my art! So be on the look out for that in the shop soon. The first few pieces should, with any luck, go up by the end of this week. For sure next week. 

So yea. Eclipse season may have hit me hard, but I’m a phoenix…forever burning and rising from the ashes.